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I'm tired. When I'm tired, I'm just tired. Sometimes you're just in those ruts for a few months whether they be months that are filled with smiles or one of "those" few months. Those are months where everything seems to fall apart. These are months when every word seems to lie to you. One of those few months where the world just seems dimmer for some odd reason. I remember that last few months when I felt that way. I had went to Bryant University for the BUILD program, and then I shuffled up to Cornell for EFL after New York Summer Conference. The time sucked.

Honestly it sucked. It was just all so weird. It seemed as all the people there had never really been themselves. When I saw how they broke down at each other's lives, I felt for them. It was not like I was looking down on them, but I knew that they lacked friends who saw them in their depravity. This was a group of teens who for their whole lives had built walls around themselves because everyone told them how ugly they really were. It was because of their parents who cared nothing for them. It may have been an abusive childhood or a scar that had left a far deeper emotional scar. It may have been parents who cared to much. It may have been this or that, but it was always something. And now I see them so happy to talk to each other as if they're family. I don't doubt their sincerity. But, it's so weird. I don't know whether or not I was because I already experienced the feeling of baring your all to someone or what.

And now, It's just tiring. I don't know where I'm going to end up in six years. I don't know the people I'll meet nor the experiences that will grip me. I don't know whether or not I'll regret the things I've done or not. But, what I know now lying on my bed is that there is uncertainty, and that I have no control. I have no control over whether or not I'll die tomorrow. I have no control over whether or not I'll wake up in a year or even where I wake up. I have no clue, no idea, no glimpse, no foreshadowing, no nothing at all. And that all excites me. It may not give me chuckles but instead it gives me shivers. I don't know what I may achieve or how much I will achieve. What I know is that something is going to happen and I have no idea what it is. I'm a little scared. Actually, I'm terrified. Even now, I'm starting to regret some of the choices I've made - some of the bridges I burned. But, what can I do now? What paths are there to cross? Over this year, I learned a lot. I learned a lot of who I am. I learned of what I want to achieve. I learned of some of my dreams. I learned of what I wanted to see in life. I have no clue how it's going to turn out. I'm afraid I won't achieve them. But right now, I'm unsure. And I guess I should enjoy it. I should enjoy the uncertainty and the anticipation. The feeling that makes you sick to your stomach. It's the feeling that keeps to tossing at night. It's like night in late July. It's the night that won't let you sleep. I don't know at all. If I could tell life where to turn, I would have told it to turn this way and that and I don't know what would've happened. And my gosh where would I tell it to turn.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of those times when the day's hot and there's no shade. I'm tired of those moments when you have to wait in line but after waiting for hours upon hours you're just disappointed. I'm even more disappointed when you wait for hours upon hours and then regret it. Sometimes we're just all tired. We're tired of where life brings us and where it might be leading us. It may be leading down a street whose lights are dimmed and pavement is cracked. It may not be such a nice place and every second you just want out. There's nothing you can really expect from it all can you? You can try I guess. You can try to press the buttons but nope nothing there. Sometimes I'm tired of what happens in the world. But what I've learned is that no one cares. No one cares about what really happens. No one cares about the truth. No one cares about how things get done. And sometimes people prove you wrong. But still, it's just so much fun being pessimistic or sometimes "realistic". You know when you walk for so long you're feet just feel cramped. Your lips are all cracked and you just stare at yourself in a glass and like my gosh. I look like hell. No idea. Not a single clue. Not one single damn clue. But whatchu gonna do bout it son? What can anyone do? What can he do? What can she do? What can be done?

ranscript of the written document left behind by the lawyer [Rodrigo Rosenberg] before being shot to death:
Rodrigo Rosenberg’s Declaration, prior to his death
If you are reading this message, it means that I, Rodrigo Rosenberg Marzano, was murdered by the President’s Private Secretary Gustavo Alejos and his associate Gregorio Valdez, with the approval of mister Alvaro Colom and Sandra de Colom.
The reason for which Gustavo Alejos and Gregorio Valdez have ordered my death, and for which the President of the Republic Alvaro Colom has approved it, is because until the day I was killed, I was the lawyer for two incredible Guatemalans, Mister Khalil Musa and his daughter Marjorie Musa, and knew exactly how Alvaro Colom, Sandra de Colom, Gustavo Alejos and Gregorio Valdez were responsible for this cowardly assassination, which I made known to them and to anyone who could and would hear me.
I was a 47 year old Guatemalan, with 4 beautiful children, with the best brother one could ask in life, with wonderful friends, and with an overwhelming desire to live in my country, but I could not have lived with myself without rebelling, arming myself with valor and denouncing before all Guatemalans who have principles and values the real reasons for the deaths of Mister Khalil Musa and his daughter Marjorie Musa, without regarding the consequences, and understanding that my life was in danger, I wanted to leave behind this testimony, should something come to happen to me, as it unfortunately did.
It was Alvaro Colom who, through Gustavo Alejos and Gregorio Valdez, asked for the collaboration of Mister Khalil Musa to form part, Ad honorem, of the board for Banrural, without Mister Khalil Musa being aware of the illegal, million-dollar business transactions taking place daily in Banrural, which range from money laundering to the deviation of public funds to non-existent programs belonging to the President’s wife, Sandra de Colom, as well as the funding of paper firms employed for drug-dealing.
It was Alvaro Colom, in agreement with Gustavo Alejos and Gregorio Valdez, who withheld Mister Khalil Musa’s already signed appointment, without his knowledge, for over three months, for in reality they had no intention whatsoever of granting him this post, but were using his good name with the argument that if new quotas of power were not distributed, Mister Khalil would denounce the corruption with which Banrural’s General Manager Fernando Peña operates this bank at his whim, for the service of Mrs. Sandra de Colom, as an associate and financier with the funds of the bank and of the businesses owned by Gregorio Valdez and Gustavo Alejos, without the bank’s president, José Angel López, doing anything to stop Fernando Peña from turning Banrural into the dwelling for thieves, drugdealers and murderers which it is now.
With the impunity with which Guatemalans in recent years have granted to thieves and murderers, José Angel López, Fernando Peña and the cowardly Gerardo de León directly threatened and intimidated Mister Khalil Musa a few weeks before his assassination, so that he’d give up his post and Mister Khalil Musa, as a true gentleman, told them he had no problem with his appointment being canceled, as it was Gustavo Alejos and Gregorio Valdez, in agreement with our most splendid President Alvaro Colom and his perennial shadow, Sandra de Colom.
Mister Khalil Musa let Gustavo Alejos and Alvaro Colom know that he’s decided not to take part in the board of Banrural to avoid troubles, but they asked that he give them time, as all was getting resolved, without Mister Khalil Musa having the slightest idea that once the thieves and murderers had everything settled, they would kill him along with his daughter, Marjorie Musa (whose only crime was to be an exemplary daughter who always accompanied her father), as he’d served his purpose, without caring for anything or anyone and with the utter leisure of knowing that good Guatemalans would once more do absolutely nothing, justifying their inactivity in the impotence which always pervades us, or simply saying “Most likely, they were involved in something…”
Boasting lack of moral principles or values and of the vaguest sense of shame, Gustavo Alejos, after trying to invent other theories who nobody accepted on the grounds of the moral virtue of the victims, personally told Mister Khalil Musa’s family that he’d regrettably been assassinated for the horrible problems which exist in Banrural, reaching the point that the very President Alvaro Colom invites one of Mister Khalil Musa’s political relatives to his office to confirm what’s been said by his Private Secretary.
Now you can understand why neither Alvaro Colom and much less Gustavo Alejos publicly declared what they told to the family of Mister Khalil Musa and his daughter Marjorie Musa, and ordered the corrupt and incompetent Secretary of the Interior and the nonexistent Attorney General to let this assassination slide, as always occurs with the murders, thefts and violations which have thrust Guatemala into its darkest depths.
Day by day this horrible story repeats itself and fills with grief one more of our Guatemalan families, while good Guatemalans decide to look the other way and pray it’s not our turn.
It’s enough! Let’s rescue our country from thieves, murderers and drugdealers, and once united, let us reclaim our Guatemala, our values and our faith in justice, and let us kick out the current puppet we have for president, and let us imprison the thieves and murderers, starting with Gustavo Alejos, Gregorio Valdez, Fernando Peña and Gerardo de León, among others, and once and for all, let us demand the resignation of all the current members of Congress, all of who, with very few exceptions, are a bunch of thieves, and let us start all over again, for the love of God and our country.
Surely the cowards will try to defend themselves by staining the memory of Mister Khalil Musa or his daughter Marjorie Musa, and will try to convince Guatemalans that this is all a new ploy, but in the end, the one and only truth that matters is that if you are reading this message, it’s because I, Rodrigo Rosenberg Marzano, was murdered by Gustavo Alejos and Gregorio Valdez, with the approval of Mister Alvaro colom and Sandra de Colom, for refusing to allow the vile and cowardly assassination of two incredible people like Mister Khalil Musa and his daughter Marjorie Musa to become another statistic, thus continuing to hand over my country to the killers, cowards, thieves and drugdealers who currently govern it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mC_ODpxMA10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DB3FZozmNAE&feature=related